i have all these FEELINGS i

an elderly, elderly man, who should've been living comfortably in a house if not grandly then modestly but whose house got taken away by the debt of corporations, protesting and joining the movement the hundreds of thousands of millions of voices marching and walking and camping on the current streets. a father, deployed to a war that shouldn't have happened that should've stopped long ago, just came back, and just saw his tiny daughter of 3 weeks for the first time.

there's so many things not right with the world, i don't know where to start.

am i just concentrating on the wrong things? do i just need another pair of eyes of perspective? do i just need to find a way on how to productively cope with the realizations streaming through and over and over my brain so i can actually start and do something about everything that i'm seeing and not just continue on my merry way without a care in the world? how can i continue on my merry way when all of these things are happening? how can i help?

...yeah i just need to figure this out. which is rich, coming from me, because i haven't even figured my life out yet. i wish my old formula of just winging it and seeing how it goes is still applicable; everything seems to just fall into place, especially in hindsight, and it always seems like i've always traveled through life held aloft on the shoulders of the people around me. but now i realize: that was a privelege. how loving and supportive my family is, how i've never wanted for anything, how i grew up in a developing country and still got all the necessities and more, how i saw and lived among the poverty but was really never directly-directly touched by it. how i was able to migrate to a developed country and saw the vastness of the amounts of luxuries and food, and how i was given the mind and was taught the thought of putting these two together, side by side, and realizing this isn't right. there's a huge discrepancy here. how i'm able to surf online and stumble upon tumblr and have access to all these information and things and happenings and put them together and link them and realize this isn't right. there's so many things not right. how i'm able to (still) attend college and even through loads of student loans and debts i have parents who support me still and who promise to support me until i can have a job that will enable me to support myself. how i can see the world slowly tilting crashing down and still be apparently relatively untouched by it. how i can be in a position to stop this because i haven't lost much, i hardly have lost anything, but i realize i will lose all of it everything if i don't stand for this, right now, this moment, with everything in me and any little thing that i can do (because i can 'spam' and link and spread information like wildfire through what social media channels i have which isn't much considering the vastness of the internet but which i hope is enough, at least for my level)

...ok wow so many hang ups xD;;; sorry i had to let all that out. that isn't even the whole issue but that will have to do for tonight

READ THIS

CLICK HERE. READ ME.

myaaaaaaaa

I'm even more emotionally volatile lately.. Seriously, this has got to stop. =__=;; It's bad for my heart and my sanity kl;dkfnal;fh;f =______=

Yeah so I'm here pretty much to rant again. I change venues every once in a while. XP

anyway yeah. so not cool. the triggers are getting more and more ridiculously shallow, in the sense that normally I would not be such a bumbling mess who couldn't control raw feelings. granted, i feel intensely anyway, usually, but this... this is just ridiculous, okay. it's to the point of a moment of sentimentality => about to cry (literally) and i'm just like. :| really? REALLY?? obviously something is wrong. =__= i'll be getting help, though, no worries. appointments and shiz, i guess the clinic has a full sched or something, but the first one will be tomorrow and UGH I JUST WANT TO BE WELL AGAIN. /whine whine whine

i think it's even worse that it only happens when i'm alone, and that when i'm with people, the stronger 'effects' disappear, so when i try to explain it, i either sound like nothing's wrong with me and it seems like i'm lying. idk. idk man. =____=

/WHINE WHINE WHINE

i know, i know there are other people out there coping with worse, but i have to get this out of my chest. -__-

tw: fear and description of fear

i feel like posting something up, so here. have this something i wrote to calm myself so i can go to sleep after the ordeal. i probably (i do) sound pathetic at the end, but realize some of my ways of dealing with things aren't exactly what one would call "mature". xD

also, beware abrupt shift of POV and possible shifting of tenses, and bad grammar all around.

--

sept 3 2011 4:12am

still can't sleep. i think it's the fear and the remembrance of fear. somewhere in the back of my mind i remember that helpless, panicky fear of being all alone in an apartment where two guys -- possibly with arms -- trying to break down your door and enter your apartment. and you can't think of grabbing anything to protect you (you even forget the knives you have in the kitchen and the scissors in the drawer). you're leaning against the door, pushing back when they're trying to push it open, frantically firing possibilities in your mind and should i stay or should i go? should i run to my room grab my phone and laptop and call the police or should i stay here and just hope to God they don't break the door down and wait for them to just LEAVE? but you figure this is something that takes action, not just your usual passive way of sitting there and squeezing your eyes shut and hoping it goes away and everything is going to be alright. this isn't one of your imagined phantoms; this is real, and this is happening. right now. and you could die. right now. if you don't do something. don't be stupid, don't be stupid. you abandon the futile situation at the door and you run to the room and grab your phone and run in your bathroom. shit shit shit no this is too open they'd find you here. run back out to your room and grab your laptop. shit shit shit should i leave through the glass doors first. shit. you try to open the glass doors (which are actually your back doors), fiddling and yanking on bolts and locks and handles. it. wont. fucking. open. shit. you're making a lot of noise because of the blinds i don't know how to open this fucking shit fucking. you run in your roommate's room and close the door quietly, use your iphone as a flashlight to find another door to ANYWHERE you can further hole yourself in. you choose a door and think it's the bathroom and close it quietly. you drop sit and oh you're in a closet and you call the police. hello i someone's trying to break into my apartment!

you remember all that and you remember that niggling paranoid fear that the two guys managed to break in and were hiding INSIDE the damn apartment and waiting for you to come out and take you hostage or some shit.

you remember the idea of screaming and yelling at them through the door, possibly with your manly voice made manlier, but you also remember that you shot down that thought because you were afraid they did know you were there and you were afraid you would get raped. and in all frankness, getting raped is worse than getting killed.

you were hardly hysterical, just hands trembling and a bit wobbly on your feet and dry-crying for the most part, with some tears and running nose, but you eventually calm down. when you go still enough and try to calm your inner lungs to let the emotions out, you end up scrunching up your face and dry crying shoulders shaking, so you stop. you figured you can cry another time. you're good at repressing these things. so you were able to be coherent to the point that you think the police won't half believe what you said just happened (the door, though its frames were definitely damaged and there were signs and marks of attempted forced entry, was still locked and closed when they arrived). you think you're lucky your neighbors were at home and they saw the two guys too and as it turns out they called the police too.

"dyou have any ex-boyfriends? ex-girlfriends?" your officer asks, and you laugh a little shakily and say "no, no." in hindsight you think you're lucky you had such a cool officer.

this isn't all the details, but that isn't what you're aiming for right now. you think you remember the fear and that the more you think about it, you'll be afraid of staying home alone now. will be more wary. more afraid.

when you were hiding in the closet you've posted fb statuses because you thought even if something bad happened to you at least your friends and family would know (where to start investigating). you get comments and text messages and you couldnt answer to them not at that moment.

and after everything and giving your testimony you talk to your family and to your friends and they help. they do help. they make you feel a bit lighter, less alone. you're touched by how much they care.

but this fear bubbling up in you now is something that can only be dealt with internally, and its borne of thinking too much and being more paranoid.

so you can't sleep.

and it's kind of crazy, but no one's awake now, and you're tired, and exhausted, and you don't want to call your friend because it will only succeed in making you delay your sleep, to hang on to that comfort, so the best thing you think of doing is taking comfort from inside your head and imagining your favorite superheroes telling you it's alright, it's ok, we're here to protect you.

and you finally convince yourself to go to sleep.

sept 3 2011 4:41 am

TIME OUT

OMFG THEY HAD TIME OUT ( & DIFF KINDS OF CADBURY CHOCOLATEEEE) IN WORLD MARKET. OMG I'M SO THRILLED. *CHOMPS ON TIME OUT*

some random pics of mini cupcakes I baked like... a couple weeks ago?

 

This is what I dub the America (Hetalia).

 

This is what I dub the France (Hetalia)

(because of the face)

This is the fail!Mochi (Hetalia again yes)

The teddy bear

the fail!cat

wink smiley

weird eyes smiley

bearded smiley

the bigger cupcake with sprinkles was for my mom (by request lol)

I didn't put faces on all of them (I had the idea too late, lol)

I actually added sprinkles on them (except for the ones with faces), but I forgot to take pictures. xD;

GRIPZ CHIPS DELUXE

FUCK I'M HUNGRY ;A;

Went to the movies tonight without eating dinner and then came back and still didn't eat dinner. It is just me and my stupidity T___T

Saw Horrible Bosses. It was ok. Problematic (as usual) but ok. There're some funny parts.

Come to think of it, as AWESOME (!!!!!!!!!!111!!!111ELEVENTYONE) as Captain America was (is), it was still kind of problematic. It was a LOT less problematic than Horrible Bosses, but still. It was also a bit problematic.

Creep, why do you keep saying the word problematic

WELL YOU SEE, IT'S THIS TERM....

...

No, you know, I'm not really in the mood to explain. I'm a bit drained from not enjoying the movie because I can see the problematic shit that other people who don't really know what to look for will just happily pass over. 

...Also because that thought is depressing.

Creep, why is it depressing

Because.

You know it'll be cool if everyone cared enough to be informed, or at the very least, if most people in charge, and in charge of keeping everyone informed, actually CARED, but I guess that's why we need social justice classes and departments and movements and groups and unions and stuff.

Again, that thought is as depressing as it is heartening.

...So I guess it kinda balances itself out...? xD

 Is it bad that sometimes I just don't want to do or care about anything anymore and just hide in a quiet, interesting corner of the world, reading endless amazing stuff and manga, and subsisting on my chocolate, peacefully? More importantly -- guilt-free?

...I'm just gonna be over here eating my Gripz and reading my manga kthxbai.

SPAGHETTI!!!

LMAO. LMAO-- ok. :|

I haven't eaten anything chocolate today -- GASP! -- and since Filipino spaghetti sauce is pretty sweet (not sweet to the point of diabetes, but sweeter than its (admittedly more sour, IMO) Western counterpart) then it's gonna be there.

...You know why don't I just make it whatever sweet I eat for the day. Makes things easier. I can't have chocolate on me at all times though I probably should... 

ANYWAY

Yeah, so, these are your options, Ash. XD      

So I was commenting on Ashwee's blog, and this came up. I had to take a screencap of it, and I was thinking of posting it on fb, but I decided to post it on here instead, so this blog actually has some quality content in it. Besides, we all need comic relief once in a while. :D

Will watch Horrible Bosses with my uncle. SEE YA